dissatisfied

lately Ive been feeling dissatisfied with life as it is,  Im thinking this is just a normal state of being with me, no direction in life but not happy with where I am.  I know that in the past I have had different fantasies to keep me going, to keep me looking forward, to create excietment and help me forget about the hum drum world we live in. But unfortunatly a lot of my fantasies have become reality, and I noticed a lack of fullfillment at the completion of each one.  Once reality sets in and makes you aware of the emptiness of fantasy, it kinda ruins the dream. It seems the best thing I can do is love others  but my self doesnt like that idea, it wants to be entertained.  I think of moving to a sunny place, but the sunny place is full of people, going somewhere with no place to park.  I lack the funds to do exactly what I want to do, and feel trapped by my needs. I think that real joy comes from giving not recieving, but those who long to give to others are swallowed up by the greedy, selfish people of this planet, who hoard their belongings, thinking that when the end comes they will be here longer due to the mass quanities of useless stuff they have.  Drive down broadway in san diego calif , a tourist town, full of wealthy hoarders, who spend their time emassing wealth to squander on their pathetic selves. You will see in the midst of the partiers, and affluent, men women and children sleeping on the streets. Hey but what do we care it isnt us.

temporary thinking of an idiot

we seem to live for the temporary, we live like we think we are immortal , that death is for the other guy and wont hit me. we concentrate on how we can get our  immeadiate needs or what we think are needs, and when they are achieved we always feel like they arent enough.  you plan and  wait for that trip that is going to be the greatest event of your life, the vacation youve always dreamed, but what you cant see is the day it comes is a day closer for it to be over. and when its over all there is are memories. which are usually way different then the reality.  what we need is a good fantasy to hide in. It makes us forget the unsatisfying things of reality. maybe if we had a little more then things would be good, just a little more,  when the more comes its always followed by a quest for even more, kinda like a dog chasing its tail.  so we drown out the reality with drugs and alcohol, it keeps our minds clouded, and this sickness that follows  makes us forget that without God we are living in desperation.

an idiots delight

i was just driving down state street feeling clean inside and out, I remembered feeling this way when I was 19 out of jail going to this church in san diego, I felt clean, but soon after I felt a desire to smoke cigarettes, drink booze an mess with girls. that desire was strong and I went with it ,well for many years and i do mean many I never felt that clean feeling again, of course I really didnt notice it, I stayed doped up it was like the quail experience in the bible, God gave me as much garbage as I could stand even more. when... thinking about it this morning I realized that I chose that route. I went after the desires of this world, and gave up the desires for God. true satan probably presented them to me but I made the choice, I can claim ignorance, deception, tricked but I couldnt get free of them until I realized I made the choice. I have made many right choices these last few years, and the outcome kinda sucked, as far as my worldly view goes. But this morning I realized that the clean feeling I have is way better then anything the world has to offer. thank you God for doing for me what I couldnt do myself, if all the misery I went through is what it took to get me back to you, it was worth it.

ask an idiot 2

ok I was told to make a new blog and write my stuff. so here it is I think. I woke up thinking about what lesson was learned in the adam and eve story,  I realized the main one was that God isnt interested in hearing excuses. He is willing to forgive us if we confess your wrongs,but not so if we blame them on someone or something else.

ask an idiot

I'm old experienced at all kinds of failure, willing to answer all questions on anything.