where is fantasyland

Man this morning I woke up with a strange sense of reality which could have been created by the sudafed I took last night.  I realized that in high school after taking a job placement test, and listening to all the stuff trying to deciede what I was supposed to be when I grew up, the instructor told me when I said I dont know what I want to be, that it would come to me someday.   Now that I'm 63 and it hasn't come to yet , im beginning to think maybe that guy didnt know what he's talking about. I guess since I had no direction given to me as a kid, I was just looking for some grown up human to direct me. and what I got was it will come to you some day. this morning at the age of 63 I just accepted the fact that it will not come to me. Then I realized how I just love to live in some fantasyland, where magicly all my dreams come true, where someone provides for me all the things I desire, kinda like a celestial santa claus.  and I find it hard to accept that will never happen. It seems that the only thing I have within is desire, but lacked drive and direction, lacked confidence and value. So I sat in my delusion, hoping for rescue from my lack by some force or power, who watched over me and cared.   It seems that my desires were and are always for something that I cant have, for something impossible, and maybe its the desire itself that keeps me going. The reality that when I get what I desire is usually dissapointing and unsatisfying, doesnt seem to enter my mind enough to bring me back to sanity. Maybe this is why television, video games and movies drugs booze vegas are so popular among our society, maybe were all like that.   Is that why we get into relegion. the hopes of our dreams coming true another way, maybe if we practice our relegious activities perfectly, we will have our hearts desires.  I dont know.  I do know I have experienced the pressence of God and at those time have felt complete, wanting nothing , fearing nothing, needing nothing,  but that is so out of my control. I want to control my enviornment.not have to depend on some power greater then me to give it to me.  Insect have it made their soul purpose is to insure the survival of their species,    Maybe thats what were supposed to do, before everyone turned to insuring the survival of themselves. When those who gather all the stuff up for themselves, leaving everyone else to die, will those people realize that having all the stuff and having no one to share it with is dispair. I think there is no happy ever after ending Im looking for. why do we teach our kids about the tooth fairy, santa claus, and such. just to have them grow up and be dissapointed with the reality. that you live and you die