humility

humble yourself in the sight of the Lord and He will lift you up,  
  I guess this if for His kids only.   seek to be nothing and He will make you something
Seek to be something and He will make you nothing.

idiots morning thoughts

a quote from my monrning thoughts laying in bed, Man bends Gods word to make it fit his agenda, instead of bending his agenda to fit Gods word.   A pastor wants a bigger building, or maybe has a plan to become a superpastor,  so he searchs the bible finding verses that support his desires, then bends them, or even adds his own spin on the meaning to get others to comply with his desires.  The person listening hears quotes from the bible with the twists and bends and thinks its God speaking, when actually it some guys personal spin on it used to achieve his own ambitions. Its a great way to munipulate people and get what you want. Hmmm  I wonder what God thinks of all this stuff

another thought

For years I gave up everything to follow my emotions. I stayed with friends because I felt I loved them, and found myself drawn into the darkness they were in. I lost my first family doing that, I got kicked out of my house as a teenager , doing that, and you know what when I was in need these friends that I gave up everything for , abandoned me. Yes I knew right from wrong, but chose my friends over right, over truth, all because I loved them. Jesus taught we must love God over our carnal relationships, Yet I could never deny my flesh , which my emotions are apart of, to do the right thing.  It has been said that a day may come when we will have to choose God over our lives, will my emotions decide for me then also. Will love of life and friends make me choose the mark.  I hope that what I go through today makes me strong enough to make the right choice. I say if you know there is darkness, untruth, and idolatry in a place or situation your in, and stay because you love your fellows,  then who are you choosing to lay down your life for.     

where is fantasyland

Man this morning I woke up with a strange sense of reality which could have been created by the sudafed I took last night.  I realized that in high school after taking a job placement test, and listening to all the stuff trying to deciede what I was supposed to be when I grew up, the instructor told me when I said I dont know what I want to be, that it would come to me someday.   Now that I'm 63 and it hasn't come to yet , im beginning to think maybe that guy didnt know what he's talking about. I guess since I had no direction given to me as a kid, I was just looking for some grown up human to direct me. and what I got was it will come to you some day. this morning at the age of 63 I just accepted the fact that it will not come to me. Then I realized how I just love to live in some fantasyland, where magicly all my dreams come true, where someone provides for me all the things I desire, kinda like a celestial santa claus.  and I find it hard to accept that will never happen. It seems that the only thing I have within is desire, but lacked drive and direction, lacked confidence and value. So I sat in my delusion, hoping for rescue from my lack by some force or power, who watched over me and cared.   It seems that my desires were and are always for something that I cant have, for something impossible, and maybe its the desire itself that keeps me going. The reality that when I get what I desire is usually dissapointing and unsatisfying, doesnt seem to enter my mind enough to bring me back to sanity. Maybe this is why television, video games and movies drugs booze vegas are so popular among our society, maybe were all like that.   Is that why we get into relegion. the hopes of our dreams coming true another way, maybe if we practice our relegious activities perfectly, we will have our hearts desires.  I dont know.  I do know I have experienced the pressence of God and at those time have felt complete, wanting nothing , fearing nothing, needing nothing,  but that is so out of my control. I want to control my enviornment.not have to depend on some power greater then me to give it to me.  Insect have it made their soul purpose is to insure the survival of their species,    Maybe thats what were supposed to do, before everyone turned to insuring the survival of themselves. When those who gather all the stuff up for themselves, leaving everyone else to die, will those people realize that having all the stuff and having no one to share it with is dispair. I think there is no happy ever after ending Im looking for. why do we teach our kids about the tooth fairy, santa claus, and such. just to have them grow up and be dissapointed with the reality. that you live and you die

so you wanna be like Jesus

tonight at a small group for drug addicts and alcoholics.  someone said that they want to follow Jesus's path so they can have a good life.. I thought abut that statement for a while, and realized that is how most of the Christian world thinks, at least the world I know about.  But if you look at the path Jesus followed you wll see it is far from something we think would make our lives better.Lets see He spent His life serving others, He hung around the sinners and low lifes, He gave without getting , He was rejected by spiritual leaders, called liar and fake.  rejected by His closest friends,  beaten, and crucified, meant to die for all of us, Hmmm  I dont think I know anyone who really desires that for their future. I'm pretty sure they like I did , are thinking hmmmm, if I become a Christian, everything is going to go well for me. I'll get lots of money, have everything I ever wanted, God will grant all my wishes., like all the deciples , oh wait  they all died most myrterd, not had blondes and cadilics,  maybe we got it wrong

dissatisfied

lately Ive been feeling dissatisfied with life as it is,  Im thinking this is just a normal state of being with me, no direction in life but not happy with where I am.  I know that in the past I have had different fantasies to keep me going, to keep me looking forward, to create excietment and help me forget about the hum drum world we live in. But unfortunatly a lot of my fantasies have become reality, and I noticed a lack of fullfillment at the completion of each one.  Once reality sets in and makes you aware of the emptiness of fantasy, it kinda ruins the dream. It seems the best thing I can do is love others  but my self doesnt like that idea, it wants to be entertained.  I think of moving to a sunny place, but the sunny place is full of people, going somewhere with no place to park.  I lack the funds to do exactly what I want to do, and feel trapped by my needs. I think that real joy comes from giving not recieving, but those who long to give to others are swallowed up by the greedy, selfish people of this planet, who hoard their belongings, thinking that when the end comes they will be here longer due to the mass quanities of useless stuff they have.  Drive down broadway in san diego calif , a tourist town, full of wealthy hoarders, who spend their time emassing wealth to squander on their pathetic selves. You will see in the midst of the partiers, and affluent, men women and children sleeping on the streets. Hey but what do we care it isnt us.

temporary thinking of an idiot

we seem to live for the temporary, we live like we think we are immortal , that death is for the other guy and wont hit me. we concentrate on how we can get our  immeadiate needs or what we think are needs, and when they are achieved we always feel like they arent enough.  you plan and  wait for that trip that is going to be the greatest event of your life, the vacation youve always dreamed, but what you cant see is the day it comes is a day closer for it to be over. and when its over all there is are memories. which are usually way different then the reality.  what we need is a good fantasy to hide in. It makes us forget the unsatisfying things of reality. maybe if we had a little more then things would be good, just a little more,  when the more comes its always followed by a quest for even more, kinda like a dog chasing its tail.  so we drown out the reality with drugs and alcohol, it keeps our minds clouded, and this sickness that follows  makes us forget that without God we are living in desperation.